


The Misadventures of Hifumi Yamada

by Janitor_Boy



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cursed, Some OOC, Swearing, stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28113474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janitor_Boy/pseuds/Janitor_Boy
Summary: Hifumi does crazy stuff(Probably a crackfic)INCLUDES SOME SWEARINGBased off of Hifumi's free time eventsDanganronpa belongs to Spike Chunsoft
Relationships: Yamada Hifumi/Diet coke
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. AAAAAAAAAHHH

Yet another day has passed. Hifumi doesn't know how long he can keep going without Diet Coke. The only thing keeping him sane was Princess Piggles, who was somehow standing before him, Alter Ego, and Mistress Ludenberg.

"S-Snap out of it!" Princess Piggles (aka Makoto) stuttered. Hifumi started sweating even more now that Princess Piggles has appeared before him. "T-The princess told me to snap out of it," oh god Hifumi's drooling now. Hifumi started to let out deep breaths as Princess Piggles looked at him with worry. "You can't let Diet Coke beat you!" Princess Piggles exclaimed.

"Yeah, you're right! Thank you, Princess!" Hifumi drooled and waddled away, letting out some girlish giggles here and there. Little does Princess Piggles know is that Hifumi is still under the influence of Diet Coke WIthdrawal and will end up doing a dangerously stupid thing that would almost get him killed.


	2. GO

Hifumi waddled over to his room and unlocked the door, leaving a trail of drool behind him. He stepped inside and immediately started looking for a pencil and paper. "I n-need to distract myself, I need to stop thinking about D-Diet Coke," he stuttered to himself.

"Hifumi" someone called him, "Hifumii." He turned around, confused. "Who's there?!" he looked around the room in a panic.

"Hifumiii" the ghost of Diet Coke appeared before Hifumi, "Hifumi you must get me back, you must murder someone."

"But I can't! Princess Piggles told me not to!" Hifumi retorted. He threw his lamp at the Diet Coke, only for it to go through it and break. "You must, you don't have much time. If you don't commit a murder you will die from this terrible disease!" Diet Coke explained.

"But-"

"Do it, for our sake,"

"...Okay I'll do it,"

"Good, to help you succeed I shall give you my blessing," Diet Coke started put its hand on Hifumi's shoulder and started humming, "There. Goodbye Hifumi, good luck!" The Diet Coke disappeared.

Hifumi sat back down on his desk chair and started thinking of the perfect murder.


	3. CRAZY

Makoto was rummaging through the fridge in the kitchen. He quietly hummed to himself ss he heard Hifumi barge into the room.

"Help me Mr. Naegi! She's coming to get me!" Hifumi grabbed Makoto by the collar and shook him as he screamed some more, "She's trying to kill me!" Just then, Kirigiri walked into the room holding a box cutter, she looked really angry. 

"Help me Mr. Naegi, she's come for my soul!" Hifumi handed Makoto a kitchen knife and quickly hid behind him. Makoto looked around the room in confusion before Kirigiri lunged at them with the box cutter. Makoto tried to back away, but Hifumi grabbed his hand and forced Makoto to plunge the knife into Kirigiri's chest. Makoto dropped the knife in disbelief as blood oozed out of Kirigiri's chest. Kirigiri dropped the box cutter, "Wh-what...?" Her eyes widened and she started falling as she slowly lost consciousness.

Hifumi laughed maniacally, content with how his plan was working out. Makoto dropped to his knees next to Kirigiri, his pants got bloody. He looked around the floor to find Byakuya staring straight at him from inside a cabinet. But wait why isn't he moving? Oh god Byakuya is dead. Makoto hastily stood up and tried to bolt out of the kitchen, but Hifumi's big fat as-, err I mean, belly blocked him. Hifumi then proceeded to back Makoto into a corner, "Finally after all these years I'll finally get to see Diet Coke again."

"You're sick, why did you make me do that!" Makoto yelled. He frantically looked for a way out.

"The rules say you can only kill two people, and since there are three smart people here, I had to find a way to cheat the system. I killed Byakuya at the library and made you kill Kirigiri, since you are so naive and oblivious." Hifumi slowly took out a screwdriver from one of his pockets, "The others are too stupid to be able to figure out who is the murderer and with you three gone I'll finally be able to get out of this wretched place."

Makoto realized that he was going to die. "Wait no please, I thought we were friends!" Makoto pleaded.

"We never were," Hifumi stabbed Makoto with the screwdriver repeatedly until he was dead. Hifumi stuffed Makoto's body into the fridge and Kirigiri's into another cabinet. Hifumi took out a pair of clean, blood-free clothes from his backpack and quickly changed. He casually walked out of the kitchen and waited for the body discovery announcement.


	4. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Hina was quietly humming to herself as she made her way to the kitchen to grab milk from the fridge. Just as she opened the fridge a body fell out of it. She quickly jumped out of the way. She slowly walked up to the body to look at who it was.

It was Makoto. His clothes were stained with blood.

Hina screamed.

Hifumi, Celeste, and Sakura ran into the kitchen to investigate what happened. Just then they heard ringing.

Bing Bong Bing Bing

"A body has been discovered!" Monokuma cheerfully announced.

"We should start investigating," Sakura said. Everybody got to work on trying to find clues around the kitchen. They were very unlucky (and dumb), though. The only clues they found was more bodies.

"What the- Didn't Monokuma say that we could only kill two people?!" Taka, that one dude who is super strict about the rules to the point where he will personally break into your house for running in the halls, asked.

Just then Monokuma popped out of nowhere and behind Taka, making Taka pee his pants a little, "Yeah, but the killer only killed two people. Another person killed one of them, but I'm not telling! Puhuhuhu" Monokuma let out a playful laugh and vanished.

"Well we're fucked," Mondo declared, as he defeatedly sat down.

They continued to try to find clues, but since they are too stupid and there was no Makoto to blame, they didn't find anything. Monokuma was growing so fucking tired of their foolishness that he decided to just start the class trial.

"Alright you nincompoops! I'm going to start the class trial, so you better come, or whatever."

Everyone (except Hifumi) anxiously made their way to the elevator where their lives would soon come to an end.


	5. GO

"Class Trial is a fucking mess oh my god I want to fucking kill all these idiots. You stupid ass nincompoops. I want to tear-" Monokuma rambled on as everyone remained silent. Nobody knew who the culprit was. They all just stood there, doing nothing. It was over, there's nothing they can do except accept death.

"I'm going to spare you guys the suspense and start the voting time" Monokuma immediately slammed the button just as it appeared. Everyone didn't know who to vote for since they're always voting for poor little tiny Naeggi. They all instead voted for Yasuhiro since he's stupid.

Everyone finished voting. "Oh no! It appears that your answers are all WRONG! GRRRR I AM SO ANGRY GRRR ARF ARF BARK BARK!!! I'll enjoy tearing you all into shreds piece by piece until there's no-" Ok Monokuma we get it shut up now.

I will not go into detail, but I will say that everyone was brutally killed by the funky little black and white bear. Except Hifumi, of course, he gets to walk away free into the beautiful kingdom of Diet Coke.

"Hifumi get out now. I don't want to see your fat ass anywhere ever again." Monokuma kicked Hifumi out of the school and closed the doors. Hifumi looks around and is happy to finally see the Diet Coke.

The ghost of the Diet Coke transcends from heaven to thank Hifumi for coming back. It then ascends back into heaven, leaving behind a world full of infinite Diet Coke. Hifumi had never seen such a sight and cries beautiful tears at the scene before him.


	6. STUPID

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a.k.a. the epilogue

Hifumi finally found peace in this world. He got a nice Diet Coke girlfriend. They got married and had tiny little Diet Coke kids. He then proceeded to open them up, drink all of their insides, and crush their remains into unrecognizable shapes. He haunts the world as he sits on his throne made up of all of the remains of the Diet Cokes. No one has been daring enough to stop the tyrant.

Hifumi ages for he is a weak mortal. As he ages, he becomes weaker. He is overthrown and exiled from the kingdom he was given. No one ever sees him again.

The adventures of Hifumi come to an end as he dies alone due to old age.

The End.


End file.
